I want to share something with y’all, it’s not my “usual” Style or DIY post, it’s a lot more personal. But I couldn’t help thinking that there are other people out there feeling how I do and struggling with the same thing, so I wanted to share this with you.
I have never in my life felt as strong, feminine, empowered and beautiful as I have been feeling the past few weeks. And it is SO refreshing.
After a lifetime of self esteem issues, obsessive dieting and exercise and most recently, PPD more often than not it was hard to look in the mirror.
But in the last few weeks a change has overcome me, and it has literally changed my life.
About a week ago I was talking with my parents on FaceTime and my dad said that I looked different, that I looked the best that he has ever seen me look in my life. I of course thought he was just my dad being my sweet dad. But then each day that I spoke with them, he, and my mother, kept on telling me how well I looked. They said my eyes, skin, just my entire being had changed. And now that I think about it, I have. And I know why.
I have found myself.
Before I became a mother I knew exactly who I was, and who I wanted to be. I worked towards those goals and I lived my life. But when I got pregnant I started putting my plans on hold. I was planning to start school, but I didn’t because I didn’t want to give birth during finals. Money was also a deciding factor, freshly married, both of us under 22 we needed to save for a new baby. So instead of going to school I started working.
I’m not bitter, I don’t regret it, and I wouldn’t change anything about how we did things. Actually choosing to not go to school turned out to be one of the best decisions I made. It gave me time to reevaluate what I wanted to do with myself career wise, and I found a profession that I really enjoyed.
From that decision on, every single choice I made wasn’t for me, it was for my child, and eventually my children. That’s what you do when you’re a parent. But somewhere in all those “right decisions” for our kids and the everyday grind of being a stay at home mom, I completely lost myself.
And I didn’t even realize how lost I was, until I found myself.
When we become mothers, we become mothers. It’s how we identify ourselves. And as a stay at home mom it can completely take over your life.
Literally never getting time to yourself can drive you insane.
Think about that, never getting time to yourself.
When you sleep someones there, when you eat someones there, when you poop, pee, bathe someone is there. When you run to the store, two littles are there, in the car, doing the laundry, watching TV. Its so easy to lose yourself when you don’t even have a second to be alone with yourself.
Being selfless made me selfish, but becoming selfish has made me selfless.
Being selfless made me selfish:
When everything I did was for the kids, I wore myself down to the bone every single day. Telling myself I was giving Thomas the very best of me, but I wasn’t. I was the embodiment of the old adage “You can’t pour from an empty cup.” Each day I told myself, “If I can just get all this stuff done, then I’ll be happy and then at the end of the day I’ll do something for myself.” But I was never happy and I never got around to taking care of myself. Which in turn left me more irritable, less patient, and it made me selfish. Instead of doing things because I wanted to enjoy my time doing them with the kids, I did them to feel like I was being a good mom, to validate myself, and THAT is selfish.
Becoming selfish made me selfless:
When I was diagnosed with PPD one of the things the doctor said to me was that I needed to make time for myself, so that I could stabilize and rejuvenate. So I demanded time to myself. I made a decision to change our lifestyle and its been so refreshing. I do little things each day to “treat myself”, I buy fancy coffee so that I start my day off good. I make it a priority to have some time to myself each and every day. It’s not gonna kill my kids to watch a little more TV, especially if during that time I am refueling my mind and soul. And through this process I have realized so many things, I’ve found myself again. I now know who I am, and who I want to be. I have clear goals and aspirations now, I’m not just floating in the abyss anymore. And the small amount of time each day that I choose to be selfish, has made me truly selfless. I do things with my kids because I enjoy spending time with them, not because I feel like its what “good moms” do, and THAT is selfless.
I am a better me, a better mom and a better wife, because I am selfish, everyday.